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As it turns out, there is hope after all!
Luckily for me, I saved my last .exe file in my Downloads page, for the installment of the version of FL Studio that I had when I installed it, and I can make music again!
HAD I NOT KEPT THAT .EXE FILE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SOOOOOO BONED.
And I thought I was boned, but evidently, the bone has not dug deep enough to finish the job!
The issue is that I can't update, which means I can't collaborate with any artists with any version that isn't 12.3, which was the whole reason I tried to update it in the first place.
I can still make music, and I WILL still make music, I just won't be able to get the new fancy schmancy stuff. But that's okay, because I wasn't ready for that anyway! ;)
EDIT: I CAN MAKE MUSIC AGAIN, I JUST CAN'T UPGRADE FL. THIS IS FINE BY ME. IT IS OKAY TO EXPECT MORE MUSIC FROM ME IN THE FUTURE.
TL;DR You'll most likely never see any new content from me ever again.
So, Image Line decided they wanted to make minor changes to their product, and you can't just update FL Studio, you have to install an entire different version, and, well, when I try to open this new version, nothing seems to work. All of my VST Plugins are exactly where they should be, and I've ensured several times that the file my plugins are in is the file that FL is searching in. Yet, even though all of my plugins are safe in sound in the correct folder, FL decides it doesn't want to notice that any of them are there, and it actively tells me every plugin it can't find when I try to open a .flp.
So, basically, my copy of FL Studio's completely destroyed beyond repair. I'll never understand the issue, and if any of y'all do understand the issue, let me know how you fixed it, or if you could fix it.
Other than that, I have no way to make music anymore, and there's absolutely no reason for it. I've uninstalled and reinstalled FL Studio in full multiple times, but to no avail. So I guess this is goodbye. It was an amazing experience while it lasted, even if the effort to improve was all a huge waste of time in the end.